Life Sucks and Then You Don’t Blog

This will be my last blog.  Sorry folks, no more entertainment.  As my Mother kindly said before I left, my writing means more to me than my family.  As my sisters so kindly say – all I do is lie anyway.

They should be pleased to know that I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach and about noon I cry myself to sleep and then go to bed early.  All their wishes have been fulfilled.  I’m out of town, they will get all Mom’s riches and a pat on the back to them.  Happy, happy, there is no way that I could come back now even if I could.

NO ONE has asked for my address in my family including my daughter with the exception of my husband, I suppose hoping that I will fade from memory.  And all this because of a call to a helpline that had a trainee working on it.

Airing dirty laundry?  You guys deserved it and I didn’t even say a name or a place.  Obviously, blogs are not for the faint of heart.  If we are going to talk about hate and lies then think about what you are saying about me.  Everything I have said I will say again if asked.

Thank you all for listening to my woes.  You can rename me to a name in the Lemony Snikett series.

It was a long, long drive from New York to Maine stopping at almost every rest stop to take a break but we finally got here, did a few circles, found the house, threw down the futons, grabbed a bedspread and crashed.  I didn’t even bother with finding the box with my PJs in it.

The next morning we didn’t want to go through the entire truck so we decided to find a place with a cup of coffee.  Who cares if we didn’t brush our teeth?  Although I thought I knew where the house was we still had to make a few circles to get to the main street.  We skipped the cafes and went up the street to get a cup of coffee and dog food, and up the street, and up the street, and up the street.  Finally finding a little gas mart we got what we needed and came back and circled and circled and circled until we found the house.  I think there must be something the matter with the map that I have.

Right on schedule the unloading crew came.  A very nice pair of young men.  One had a baby that I offered to buy but was turned down.  It only took a few hours to fill up the house will maybe a few to many things and off they went to another job.  You have to give these guys credit because you know that their backs are going to be way bad when they get older.  After that, the computer  hook up people were here and got that taken care of.

Then came the “finding out which room things go into” game and after we were exhausted we decided to get some groceries.  Oops, too late, everything was closed so it was tuna sandwiches and potato chips.  Nothing wrong with that.  Since the bed was up, at least we didn’t have to sleep on the floor.  The only problem was that the mattress was a spring mattress and with two people and four dogs in a strange house it was …… well……. strange.

Monday morning my hubby decided to crack the whip and we really unpacked some boxes, moving the ones for sale to the cellar.  In the evening we decided that we were hungry.  Surprise!  So, circling around several times to find the main road we remembered that restaurants are closed here on Monday.  After another half hour of circling around to find the house we found something to eat and crashed again.

The next morning hubby had to return the truck and then I had to take him to the car rental to pick up a car.  After circling around to find the main road we got lost going to both places but finally he was off.  I realized that I forgot my purse to went directly home.  Was I tired or what?  I then hit the sack.

This morning, after listing all the things I found wrong with the house, the owner (?) came over and is still working on them.   He is another nice person and works hard.  Meanwhile I am unpacking and wondering why the heck I brought so much stuff.  Since there are no curtains on the bedroom windows and the room is small the dogs are mesmerized by all the people walking their dogs by the window.  I have a feeling there is a little curiosity in the neighbors about this person that circles their neighborhood once or twice a day!

So, more unpacking while I wait for him to finish so that I can finally get some groceries!  Again, thank you to my hubby for all the help he gave me.  Had it not been for him and my friend here in Maine I would have had no help at all.

Now…to take care of the dead battery on my car (I still have no groceries) by pulling the name of a garage out of a hat!

Getting there

Oh my!  I’m glad I planned one day per room for packing!  I start at one corner and go around the room picking what I can’t go without for a year plus when I get to the windows I stop and put in those horrible metal storm windows that you have to slide up but they don’t slide up.  I think that takes the longest time of all!  Then I sweep and make it look like nothing is missing to make it a bit easier for hubby and that way he doesn’t have to run around like crazy if someone wants to look at the house.

As advised, when you sell a house you should remove the clutter and make it as light as possible so at least that was all done.  When and if we sell the house at least about 2/3 is boxed and we will be able to put it in storage.  I sure hope it isn’t very soon though because I am beginning to fade, fade, fade….  I want to take everything.  Now I know what happens with downsizing.  We have always upsized!  I’m not quite ready to sell our stuff though.  I had an offer on my desk but I put the price so high they just gawked at me.  How can I sell my favorite things when I haven’t even decided on where I will be?

Hubby, of course stops working when he hears me cursing at the windows since I’m working upstairs now which is very nice of him.  I do have to admit that he has been my star supporter during this even though he is very depressed. (please don’t call the help line for him).

The plumber came over last night and removed all the roots from the pipe to the sewer, which was what was causing the problem.  That guy can do anything!  Except get up on a ladder.

If you are wondering why I have time to write this blog it is because I am now out of boxes and I can’t find my tape.  Grrrr.  I did the spare bedroom, which is what I am taking with me and the closet was horrendous.  Did we really ever use all those coats and single gloves?  And I thought I had just cleaned the house in September.  Does two months really make all that difference?  So, bags to the thrift store, which I hope my daughter will do because sometimes she can fit into my clothes and bags of trash then to sort through the coats.  Going to Maine?  Well I really need my bear coat and my rain coat and my jackets and my mukluks, and my high rain boots and my boots and my spikes and my shoes that are great in snow.  My gloves for riding horses (just in case) my super warm mittens and my regular gloves.  How to pack for a year?  No bikinis though, people would run away from me and I wouldn’t make any friends at all and what would they say at Meeting?  I HAD to pack one wash bowl and pitcher that was from my hubby’s family because the one from my family had too many pieces so you do see I am trying.  Now carry and pack the stuff in the last boxes, sweep the floor and the guest room is done.  If my husband has company he will have to have them sleep on the floor because I also took the futons for when we first arrive.

We are getting a 17′ truck and the manager came today and said if we want to get out of here Saturday then we will have to have three people.  One to pack, two to carry.  Up goes the price.  Actually, I am going to pay to have the manager here because we have a 10 hour (at least) drive ahead of us.  Hubby will get the truck, back it up to the barn, they will load it, move it to the front of the house, then add to the load and off we go.  It is supposed to be good weather, amazingly enough.

My dog just stole my pizza from my hand!

Speaking of dogs, Spider is doing much better.  She was off her food when I started packing.  She is old and doesn’t like new things.  She is the love of my life and leaving her here, although better for her, will be very hard.

I have decided to take my collection of jade flowers with me.  They were easy to pack and were in a corner cupboard that will fit nicely into my office.  I will paint it white and some other color (depending on what the floor is) which will brighten the room up nicely.  I’m not really crazy about knotty pine walls because they darken the rooms and I do like light.  This will, unfortunately be the only collection that I will take although my daughter has offered some red and white enamelware to match the red and white enamelware table that I am going to borrow from her.

Everything seems to be fitting together.  I don’t yet have a new neurologist nor have I selected my veterinarian but that should come in time and am not as frightened as I was.  Actually with all the support I have been getting, I am beginning to think that perhaps the Creator created this crises to make me move on to be happier.  I’m sure I will continue to have ups and downs and will always be angry at my family’s reaction and lack of sympathy for my problems but now perhaps I can start working on the forgiveness part (while I am shoveling the driveway!)

Do Spill the Beans

Up and down and up and down.

Happy and sad and happy and sad.

Trying to keep busy by deciding what to take and what not to take,

What will fit and what will not fit into my new itsy, bitsy house.

My telephone – quiet as a mouse

I’ve always hated November and I think this one is going to be a whopper.  Friends that I thought were friends actually were not but yet then I get these people popping into view every once in a while that wave and say an encouraging word to me.  Relatives that are outside of the immediate family are either totally ignoring the situation or really don’t care.  Worse yet, they are probably listening to the immediate family about how horrible I am and what horrible things that I have done.  What are those horrible things?  That I said I was not going to go along with the dysfunction?  If that is the worst thing that I do in my life then I will be happy.

I hope it pleases my family to realize that I am very very sad.  That I don’t understand why this is like a pack of wolves jumping on the one injured wolf.  That I don’t want to live by myself in Maine but that I have to and that one of the supporters that I have is my husband who I am leaving.  Why is this?  Why is he one of the people that is telling me that I have to get away from this crazy unit and the lies that they are spreading about me?  Is everyone so afraid to go against the group that they don’t even think that I would like a hug goodbye or even a phone call to say that they will notice an absence?

This world could use some correcting and not just correcting of the global climate sort.  Because the world has so many ecological problems does not mean that I am going to add to them.  I think this same thing should be with the personal problems.  I now have a hint how it must feel to be one of the people trying to get warm on the new York city street vents.

I know that I am preaching to the choir here but I do take comfort in the fact that I’m not the only one that this is happening to and the fact that are thousands that have gotten through the pain of it.  Google it (ah, that wonderful Google)  Go to the help forums of Narcissism and Scapegoats.  Read some of those stories.  All similar.  Unfortunately, not much research has been done on narcissism because narcissists don’t see that they are doing anything wrong.  Nor, do they have a conscience.  So, therefore, they certainly do not go to get help.  The most similar thing that you see is the help for the prey.  It is RUN.  There is nothing you can do except make it worse, and I can vouch for that.  If you try to bring it up to either the people or those that are friends with the people that are doing the abuse, the abuse gets worse.

As for that other problem which my Mother said was in my blog and which wasn’t (it happened to be in the town historical society newsletter where I wrote an article wittily describing the buildings on my block in the 50’s and the trouble I used to get into), a pedophile remains a pedophile.  In this case there were several children there, one of which has written about this incident well before me for a college paper.  So, I either just copied the paper, or lied well after that person or told the truth after that person did.  I was obviously not the one to make it up Mother.

But cheer up, I’ll be gone soon and will be writing, I hope of bigger and better things.  What hurts is that my Mother will always believe the person who is lying about me without even asking for my version first.  I can only believe it is because she dislikes me so for “spilling the beans”.

Lesson:  It hurts but don’t be a politician.  Do “spill the beans”.  Perhaps if the politicians and people in this world would open up a bit then this world will be a bit better, will have a few less wars and will spread the wealth so there is a bit less famine and maybe, less health problems.

WoodDudeYanceyDonnaRichardsonDanPhelpsDawnYanceyDeleneDebraMundyLavadaYanceyDonald

Blog

After being blasted by two persons today for having a Blog and making all the family secrets public, I decided to do some researching on just who does read this blog and just how famous I am.

I started with Google.Com.  My name, as it is legally spelled is a very common name.  After the fourth page of searching for myself I gave up.  My name, as it is spelled on Facebook is a bit more unusual.  After looking at all of those, I found that none of them were me.

I no longer have a business but my old business in Maine was flourishing!  The new one here was not mentioned.  So, there we have removed all search engine connections, including any for this blog address.

So, I looked a bit closer.  Although I am on Twitter, Pinterest and Google, this blog does not show on them but it does show on Facebook.  However, it only is available to my “friends” so I therefor went through the list of my friends.  I had around 275, mostly people who were owners of the breed of dog that I love or people that I felt were close.

Because of the fact that my family is so upset about my posts becoming “the talk of the town”, I removed all other people that lived in this vicinity and all of my family.  This way it proves that I was and am “the talk of the town” because people have signed up for my blog and are distributing the information.  My family?  Local people that I thought were friends?  These are all people who have signed up to get notifications of when I write a new blog.  If you don’t wish to hear my words, please remove yourself from the mailing list.  If  you do wish to hear what I have to say so that you can tell my Mother how untruthful it is.  Fine.  Remain on my mailing list.  And again, if you are upset about what I say then think before you do things to me to hurt me because I will tell about it.

This blog is for me.  It relieves pressure and makes me feel better.  My life right now is not going very well and unfortunately, all I have to talk to is a computer.  I do have friends on facebook obviously (and not so friends on facebook) but I need to emphasize that it is not to hurt people.  No personal names have been mentioned.  If neighbors of my family know who the “youngest sister” or whatever is, it is because the “youngest sister” or whatever gave them this address to read the blog on.

I would like to say goodbye to my family.  Since they are the ones that seem to be reading this blog then I will say it here “publicly” because you will not give me an opportunity to speak with you personally, nor do I wish to at this moment.  You should be happy.  You won’t have to see me anymore nor will you be hearing anything that I have said personally to one of my sisters.  If I have hurt you, I’m sorry.  However, you WERE there when things happened.  Because you choose not to remember them because it hurts YOU is no excuse.  I honestly did try to make it work and even though you say everything I say is a lie, I have told the truth.

It is true that I disturbed the family unit by remembering things.  However, if I remember correctly I have not been the only person to do this.

For those of you who do not know what a blog is I’ve attached a definition.

A blog (a truncation of the expression weblog)[1] is a discussion or informational site published on the World Wide Web and consisting of discrete entries (“posts”) typically displayed in reverse chronological order (the most recent post appears first).

PACKING BUT LACKING

I’m figuring if I do one more room per day that I will finish packing by the time Paul gets the truck here.  Then, we fill the truck and drive to Maine.  The next day Paul will drive back with the truck.  Expensive move at $1.00 per mile and I do hope that I can find the house again.

I’ve switched all my medical people back to who they were eight years ago and amazingly enough, even my M.D. receptionist was the same.  She said “Debbie”?  and I said “Rose”?  and we both laughed.  Even though it will be a bit more of a drive now, I will be so glad to see familiar faces.

I had an intensive week of doctors, dentists, therapists, etc. and am very reassured that I am currently healthy (even mentally).  All said that it was probably a trainee on the help line.  What happened at the hospital was beyond them but I am beginning to put the pieces together.

My daughter and I have reconciled.  We are very close and I believe we were both having meltdowns from the trauma.  This whole episode will take a while to get over and some of it may never be resolved.  However, I did go shopping and get some things that I wanted and needed for myself, the dogs and the house so I feel a bit more comfortable and I am not so afraid of sirens now.

My husband and I have talked and although he wishes it was not so, he has admitted that I do need this.  Because of the circumstances, I need to get away and where else would I go?  Besides, I have wanted sea food for so long now!  The only thing I couldn’t find was a lobster pan but I know exactly where to get one in Maine.

I suppose this has been a learning experience.  Remember, when you are handcuffed you do not slip your hand out and say neener neener under any circumstances and if you see three police cars drive up to your house I suppose you should run even if you haven’t done anything.

The difficult part is the packing.  Always before I’ve just packed everything in the room.  Now I look and thing “will I need this within a year?” as that will be the minimum time I will be there.  If the house sells, I will take it from there.

I do not recommend that you do anything in this blog at home.  Nor, should you ever take me seriously even though the tears are running down my face.  Please always assume I am joking, especially about the love that is not being enclosed in my boxes.

Breaks

Taking a break from moving things around in the barn by writing in my blog.  It’s also an excellent time to move all the wicker into another section so that there will be a section for jeep jeep and the snow blower.  The good news is that I found the hanky quilt that I was working on.  Some how, when I was cleaning the house to put it up for sale I stuck it out there.  I guess I thought I was never going to finish it or something.

For some reason I still cannot get into my historian work mail account and hope that no one is needing me for anything!  So, I’ll continue to work on what I have here on the desk, finish that up and go to the office on Monday.

Other than that there is no noteworthy news except that all is well.

I’m Baaaaaaaaaak

I’ve returned from my trip to Maine.  It was wonderful except getting in!  Somehow I took a look North of Boston and got off the throughway and got completely lost.  I was on another throughway (I think that is all Massatutti has).  I went into a little store and asked how to get to Maine because the map book I had was only of Maine.  The Gentleman at the counter said that if I would give him $40.00 he would tell me.  Well, basically, I told him nicely (not so nicely? what he could do with his own $40.00. and continued on my way.

New Hampshire has no sales tax so there are huge liquor stores along the throughways.  I would stop and call some one at one, get directions, and end up at the one on the other side of the throughway (after paying my toll of course).  I would ask the toll booth person who would point on and end up back at the first store.  I would do that again.  After four times I bought a small bottle of Jim Beam to celebrate if I ever got of that state.  Finally, Paul was able to give me directions on how to get back on 95.

As for tolls!  There were three in Maine.  One was for $3.00 and the other two were $2.50, $1.00 each time I entered New Hampster, a larger one for the Massatuttie pike and an even larger one for NY.

As I went over the bridge to Maine, I got to the first rest stop and hugged the nearest pine tree.  After 7-8 hours of driving, I was a real tree hugger.  I went into the octagonal (naturally) building and did my thing, came out and couldn’t find Sam and the car.  I walked all the way around the building and still couldn’t find it.  After hyperventilating again, I realized that there was a parking lot over a berm with pine trees on it.  Whew.  By then Sam had hyperventilated, too!

On to 90.  It felt like the hills and trees and rocks were hugging me.  Things have been busy since we left Maine.  In Massatuttie it looked like they were doing fracking all along the pike.  In Maine, the towns are growing; especially Auburn, Lewiston and Augusta and they had a few more extensions on 95 so where we used to get off looked totally different and where I was to get off was also totally different.  However, off we go and BINGO, there was my hotel!  However, the problem was to find the entrance.  Lots of back doors and a restaurant (that had dynamite chicken and spinach soup – in fact I gave a tablespoon to Sam and for the rest of the trip he would look at me when I put down his food as if saying “not on your life”).  Finally found the entrance, my unit, unloaded the car while Sam cried in the bathroom, sat down and called who I needed to call and had a shot of Jim Beam in water.  I even had a gas fireplace for ambiance.  I was settled at about 9:00 p.m.?  Actually I can’t remember.

Because of my mental illness (just kidding relatives) I can’t abide thinking of  bed bugs but didn’t have to worry because I grabbed the blankie and pillow that I had carried and flopped over sideways and crashed after eating the best soup in the world.  Sam guarded me.  He could have told me there was a monster approaching and I would never have heard him.  10 hours on the road is way too much!  However, I did remember the wakeup call and at 7:00 a.m. got up, got ready to see a house at 10:00 a.m, and got very explicit instructions from my girlfriend on how to get there.  After getting lost three time because I was on the wrong side of the river and with 0 minutes to spare I finally found her.  My friend!  A hug!  I was in heaven!

Quick rush to the house because we were late.  A little ramshackle.  Teeny weeny but a yard with lots of potential.  Actually the bedroom was as big as my spare with a closet, the living room will fit my desk and computer with a closet and the kitchen was large but really needs an island because it only had two drawers.  Of course, I can’t cook anyway…  The Property Manager THOUGHT the washer and dryer worked.  Nice even having them at that price.  I was worried about the “partially” finished cellar but I think they meant that because it was so short.  I was the only one that could walk around without ducking and hitting the beams.  And it had a “Wizard of Oz” door to the outside if there was a hurricane.  It needs some work and I asked if I could have laminate instead of carpeting (as long as they were replacing it anyway).  I have lots of hardware to replace the kitchen knobs and I didn’t want to go anywhere else so I said I wanted it.

Now we get to the tricky part.  I said only one person and two dogs were going to live there but of course had to put my husband’s income down.  My Social security would cover it but I might want to eat also.  The trouble:  They do a background check.  Front and center is my recent incarceration in the psyche ward.  So we will see how much that ruined my life.  I told them I had no family but was actually able to come up with one reference.  Paul, of course has family but is anti-social so when I brought the application home, had a bit of a hard time to think of a reference.  I told them I wanted it the first of November.  Oh, it also has a garage almost on the next block!

My friend and I went to eat at a diner that she used to work at and I met two more friends and while sitting there listening to the TV  blaring, I noticed that they were talking about a storm coming from home to there.  So, kissed her goodbye, went back to the hotel, took a long nap, packed and was out of there by 8:00 p.m.  It rained across the Berkshires but the traffic was goo except for the truckers (who were all good except for the one who tried to kill me) and Sam and I were home at 6:00 this morning and I’m wondering where the storm is.

Back to bed and woken up with a call from the Wayne Behavior Health asking why I missed my appointment yesterday.  I’m ready to call an attorney.  I cannot live this way.  I feel so violated.  Paul filled out his application for the house and I’m about ready to take another nap.  I’ve gone through my email and just don’t feel like answering any of the Facebook messages because here we go with no feelings again.  They have to approve me for the house!  What if they don’t?  What if I am stuck in this situation for the rest of my life all because of someone else?  My whole life has been controlled by someone and even though it is scary being by myself I just want to try it once, please.

I didn’t take the Hoosier from you.  You are angry because Dad gave it to me because he had not place to put it.  Even if I asked for a camp – so what?  all my three sisters were given one.  You say I borrowed 20K and didn’t pay it back…you gave that to me because it would save you taxes and said my sisters would get the same.  I will not say anything about the prudential accounts that Dad set up for us.  I have said I don’t want your money. I want your love.

I get notes from my family that is is SO hurt about putting this stuff on my blog and that is why they are angry at me.  Wrong, because they were so angry at me all my life way before I put this stuff on the blog.  People don’t talk to me  that I used to play with and helped them when needed and thought of them as brothers.  It is true that there may be some that don’t want me to put things on here but come one guys – you did it!  You hurt someone.  It is time to pay the piper.

My main personality trait is that I do not, nor can I, abide liars and procrastinators and they stand there and call me one when all I need is an apology.  I have been a scapegoat all my life.  I’m done.  The end.  Just because they give a different face to outsiders does not mean that was the face given to the family.  So fess up.  I’m not sure if they just can’t face it themselves or if they don’t want others to know.  Others don’t have to know.  Just apologize to me.  You won.  I’m going again.  I cannot take anymore private notes telling me how I’m hurting everyone and calling me a liar.  I cannot take any more people pretending to be me and calling the Wayne Health Substance Abuse.  I’m leaving.  I’m gone.

So tell me about hurt.

Support

SUPPORT:

To sustain (a person, the mind, spirits, courage, etc.) under trial or affliction:

“They supported him throughout his ordeal.”
THIS is what my father raised me to do.  Although he was an alcoholic, he was a happy alcoholic and he was pretty much careful to drink when we children were not around.  It was an “adult” thing.  I suppose like sex was an “adult” thing.
I have thought of the word “support” many times during my life and, sometimes unfortunately for me, I have given my support to the wrong people or the wrong organization or causes sometimes and have lived to regret it but always, always when I see something happening that I believe is wrong to an animal or person I will give my support to that animal or person.  I WILL NOT turn my back because I am afraid of offending someone or getting injured.
What does this make me?  When you look at the world today how much support do you see being given?  You hear pleas of support from poor people, from disabled people, from the elderly.
You also hear how hard it is to make friends.  I never believed that.  You hear that blood is thicker than water.  I unfortunately never believed that either.  You hear how churches are sanctuaries, how hospitals are to cure the ill, how policemen are to help keep the peace, how attorneys are to work for the person who is paying for them, how friends will be friends forever and even though they drift apart, when they see each other again there may be a bit of awkwardness but they will still be friends.
It is hard to make friends, which I suppose is why they become close to begin with.  Family blood is only thicker than water depending on the family.  Churches are sanctuaries unless you are only going along with their beliefs and they are not afraid that they will get in trouble.  Hospitals are to cure the ill depending on the people that work there and if they follow the rules that they have been given and if the people needing care are telling the truth.  Policemen keep the peace as long as they are following their regulations and Attorneys will work for the person who pays them the most or who they are best friends with.  Friends are rarely friends forever.  They “move on”, they have other things to do and they, of course, don’t want to get involved with their so called friends’ troubles because they would like a smooth life also.
Because I am what my father taught me to be I find it extremely painful to learn these lessons.  Each lesson hits me like a ton of rocks as he was my favorite person.
Each lesson probably hit him the same way and since I am so like my father (only he didn’t have a computer), he probably had to talk to others to help him feel better.  I remember the people that he told me not to “hang around with” and that he would talk bad about to other adults.  So, a family member that tells me that my father would be embarrassed did not know my father very well.
I am finally coming to grips with this thing that happened, although I will probably never get over it.  I think that the hardest thing is that I knew my family was dysfunctional but I always hoped.  I hoped that they would some day love me and that someday they would understand me.
The death of your entire family at one time is difficult.  Not only did they die but everyone that believes in them and is friends with them has also died for me because one outcast or black sheep is not going to be believed.
I can only again thank my few friends for keeping me going, for giving me hope (and I do include God as a friend), for helping me think of the good things and for reaffirming that I am not insane because there are many people who are going through the same thing as I.
Noodles?